I'm neurodivergent. I've known this on some level my whole life. Right now I'm going through some things. I'm trying to understand what neurodivergent means for me. I'm trying to decide my best course of action. For me, the key to moving forward is understanding the issue as thoroughly as I can. my coping mechanism has always been to fall back on my intelligence. The problem now is that I have no idea how to get the information I need to use my intelligence to decide on my best course of action.
Let me back up. In the last year i have seen a significant shift in my ability to organize, complete tasks, stay focused and engaged on .... pretty much anything. Couple that with tactile sensitivity, getting overwhelmed in crowds easily, tendency to self-isolate, difficulty in social situations, and, well, you get the idea, I have circled back around to neurodivergent.
Let's back up a little further. I started first grade at age 4. I was in that in-between birthday where it was parents' choice whether to delay a year or start school. I skipped kindergarten completely. My teacher decided I couldn't read because I never had my place when out-loud reading was the lesson. She also only saw the coloring and doodling I did in my books. She didn't look deeper. During a parent teacher conference she told my parents I may be developmentally delayed and referred for an IQ test. I was reading and doodling from boredom. The IQ test showed an IQ well above average. My parents would never tell me results, only that I qualified for MENSA. In second and third grade my academics were lackluster at best. My third grade teacher finally dove a little deeper. I can't remember much of that except that the following year I was put in a learning disabilities program for about an hour a day. In fifth grade I was placed in a similar program for gifted learners. Again, my parents never would tell me what learning disability was identified beyond I "had a problem with linear thinking" and "math exercises helped". It's too late to ask my parents. Dad died a few years ago and Mom has dementia now.
It may sound like I'm blaming my parents for not informing me, at least in adulthood. I don't blame them but I admit my feelings on this are complex. I partially understand why. They didn't want me "labeled" by the schools or by my self. Dad had deep-seated mistrust of psychology (with good reason). On the other hand, looking back, they made accommodations for how my brain works. They were always supportive, provided structure and freedom for exploration. When I hyper-focused on some random topic they rolled with it. When I didn't complete school work they helped me break it up and get it done in chunks. They encouraged me to make and have friends but allowed me a tremendous amount of alone time. I was allowed to drink nothing but Mountain Dew by the case as a kid. I think Dad let me start drinking coffee at 14 because stimulants help people with ADHD. It may have been instinct, it may have been with awareness, I'll never know. All that caffeine may have helped me be successful in high school and at least on an even keel in elementary. I lived on caffeine in college and still do 20 years later.
For a while I thought I was on the autistic spectrum. Not much you can do about that at 50 and I've managed well enough for most of my life. I did some research and made a joke of it. Now I think I have ADHD. Why do I think this? well, I have plenty of symptoms. I do not have an official diagnosis. I called my school district but as I suspected, all my records have been destroyed for at least 30 years. Perfectly reasonable but difficult for me to gain whatever knowledge I can.
Over the years I found that highly structured environments and routines help keep me on track. Deviation led to anxiety, depressed feelings, and chaotic environments and emotions. Control became a refuge. It has also become a barrier to growth and a hesitancy to let go and have fun. The unknown scares me because I don't know how I will react and when I'm "full" I'm full and will want to leave no matter what is happening. When I let go I start talking to much and too fast about subjects most find weird, uninteresting, inappropriate, or just totally off-topic.
Now, finally, I am seriously considering seeking a diagnosis. Whatever is the deal with me, I need answers to cope effectively with it.
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-symptoms-in-women/
https://www.additudemag.com/women-hormones-and-adhd/?src=test
https://adhdonline.com/is-it-adhd-or-your-thyroid-or-is-it-both/
